It's something about practicing the worksheets from the speech therapist that I find particularly excruciating. Yes our days are changing and Phil and I have managed to go get a bite to eat in public, take a walk around the desert suburban block here in AZ, or even watch a movie together late at night. These special accomplishments are beautiful and wonderful and I have much gratitude, but the worksheets get me every time.
They are worksheets from the speech therapist at the latest rehab center we visit daily. They are copies from some manuals and are carefully placed in a purple 3-ring binder. We are encouraged to do these exercises daily. They are designed to stimulate neurons, help him remember language, and build up the motor muscles used to form words. Sitting beside Phil pointing to images of line drawings such as a star, a toothbrush, a bus, or a teapot and hearing him struggle so profoundly is incredibly difficult for me. Another example is creating ending to sentences such as "The boy went _______." Right now this is nearly impossible for Phil to comprehend or complete. I try to stay present to the task at hand, working with Phil and the worksheets. I try and tap into my years of Buddhist meditation training of simple concentration in the here and now, but the simplicity of this task make it nearly impossible for my mind not to wander off to a mere three weeks ago when Phil could articulate clearly, and honestly was the most brilliant person I've ever been so close to. His brilliance is one reason I fell so deeply in love. Although this same brilliance and his Zen like spoken truth (even in the most difficult of moments) have not always been easy to snuggle up to or to be in a romantic/emotional relationship with. But the way his mind worked, his humor and wit, and the insights he gleaned out of this messy world were one of my best friends. What I wouldn’t give to have him help me make some sense out of our life right now.
Back to Phil’s language, speech, and mental ability, this realm was like the most beautiful tree you've ever seen offering exotic fruits and blooms (all at the same time). Now this ability has changed shape from this painful storm. I know his brilliance lies like a seed deep in the earth of his mind -- but this seed has a very thick coat right now. Even with all of the coaxing, encouraging, watering, and nurturing, there is no way to know how it will sprout and manifest. I know in the case of a stroke that TIME is your greatest asset. I must say this much unknown is terrifying to hold, especially as our shared child rests in my body ready to emerge in a mere seven weeks. Time is quite naturally on my mind.
Usually there is a mischievous sparkle to Phil's being, a humor, and a presence that are hard to tap into right now or see. His face often looks like he is struggling to make sense of his new world. I miss him. I have nothing more to say about, right now.
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Lara,
ReplyDeleteYou may not know this but I ahve been with you every word since you first starting writing here. It now feels like years ago, but really has only been a short while. Your writing is honest, open, pwoerful and beautiful. Keep it up. Telling your narrative is one of the most important things you can do right now--and it's courageous. As you make sense of the words you put down, you, like Phil are building something new. It's bittersweet from this distance to see a woman who did not consider herself a wordsmyth become one, and Phil, on the other hand, is now building his words back. I might offer the possible insight that as you gain fluidity with your words, just by doing it, you are channeling Phil and, also, bringing him back. One day at a time, you both will arrive at a language entirely your own--and this will be precious. Much love and prayers, Caitlin.
Weird that I changed all those typos 3 times and they are still there...oops, sorry.
ReplyDeleteHi lara and phil, too-
ReplyDeletei played tonight- the conert i was going to play with phil. did aduo with steve norton. got some donations, which i sent you here along with my own- and when I played, i definitely tried to channel all sorts of good and healing energies to both of you. i also got my two friends who practise reiki and qi gong respectily to make some energy sendings for you too.
i grew up with an autistic brother(about the severity of the guy in that movie "Rain Man"), whom i used to sit and read to(we were a yeer apart), hoping and hoping he'd speak like a "normal kid". i empathise deeply with what you describe- did that with my brother a bit when we were children, teenagers.
my brother got to the point where he could work simple jobs and use buses and things- but unlike my brother, who was born with a language disorder, i DO know of people who have made really solid recoveries from these sorts of things, i'll say again, to try and give you more hope! but the time can be long and frustrating, yes. i certainly hope when you get back to portland you'll have lots of good folks around you, supporting you and bringing you their won brilliance to help bring back phil's in whatever shape it commences to grow.
when you both feel ready, and if you think its a good idea, i'll be MORE than happy to come and play music with phil, too! anyway, lots of sound and love and energy to you from boston---- katt
Thank you Caitlin and Katt. I will take both of your comments to heart.
ReplyDeleteThank you both for your generous contributions too.
And yes Katt -- surrounding Phil with music and musicians will be a wonderful healer. When we get back east, let's connect. I know you are one of his favorite musicians....
then i'm way, deeply honored. he's certainly one-a mine. yes! let me know when you are back this way i'll i'll take the greyhound on up there . . . . good :)
ReplyDeleteWhen I read your blog, what stirs in me is, What a wonderful opportunity to focus on the soul connection you two share. What are words any way? They are our mind. Our ego. A beautiful time to be tantric together and go even deeper. Your baby will feel it too. Eye gazing. Matching breathe. Experiencing the oneness of the three of you. Yow! My heart opens. My solar plexis vibrates. What a gift! I am hear for you, as needed. Do call. I will come. Find the gifts. I luv u! Prana
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